save tonight

I read her book a while ago, and noted down this passage. At that time I had no idea I would be embarking on this trip. But Xian was right, at this point, I have nothing to tie me down. No constraints, obligatory or welcomed, to prevent me from doing the exploring I want. His words was the push I needed. Perhaps it was to fulfill a desire, perhaps to escape. The reasoning behind it shifted as circumstances changed in my life. But now, mostly, I just want to do something worthwhile, and I hope I will.

“As I walked along in the moonlight, I wished that I might spend the rest of my life traveling from place to place. If I had a family to go home to perhaps I might have felt adventurous, but as it was I would be horribly lonely…When you’re traveling, every night the air is clear and crisp, the mind serene. In any case, if nobody was waiting for me anywhere, yes, this serene life would be the thing. But I’m not free, I realized, I’ve been touched by Yuichi’s soul. How much easier it would be to stay away forever”.

–Kitchen by B. Yoshimoto

—-

You are my ties to this life that I love. And it will be for you that I come back. While I’m excited for the adventures to come, my home will be here. Thank you for being my family so that I have something to come back to.

And Love, thank you for this. But you’re right, let’s not make this our song too often.

for now

A part of me still can’t believe I’ve left, and a big part of me insists that I will return very soon. I don’t know where my whims will take me, but I’ve decided to enjoy the journey. I already know that I can’t stay in Thousand Oaks, as beautiful and comforting this city may be. Apart from my parents and sister, and many pleasant memories, there is nothing to tie me here. My friends, my work, my connections are all rooted in Berkeley. In reality, life did not start until four years ago. Before, I lived for school and the prospect of getting into college. I went through the paces – classes, clubs, piano, books, even dance. Everything was enjoyable, but nothing inspired me. I rarely felt strong emotions; I was content with being content.

I still remember V. coming over one night, breaking down into tears, telling me how rough life is for her in high school. She was losing herself, barely keeping her head above the decisions and changes that threatened to overwhelm her. I remember holding her, murmuring words of comfort, and at the same time, feeling relieved for never having felt that way myself. I have always insisted that I know who I am. That I never had to “find myself”, because I wasn’t lost, or at least if I was, I didn’t realize it. Looking back now, I wonder if this individual called “Irene” truly existed. The entity did, but did the entity that did well in school and respected her parents ever encapsulate a notable person. My memories are vague. I don’t remember much of that “Irene” anymore.

I hope the person I am now is better (though better is such an amorphous term), or at least more fleshed out. I take comfort that the relationships I’ve built in the past four years have been incredible. I’ve made friends that I will keep throughout my life, and I’ve been priviledged to work for and alongside some of the kindest and most generous people I have ever encountered. Without a doubt, they have made me a better individual. At Berkeley, I found the challenges I sought and the spirit I didn’t know I needed. There is a freedom here, not simply from parental restraints, but from the confines of preconceived notions and superficiality that permeated my teenage years. I was encouraged to question, and discover, and experience. And what are we but an amalgamation of experiences, bound together by our ideals and morals? So I guess, in a way, I did unwittingly embark on a bit of self-discovery.

A lot of thanks need to be said, though they are hardly enough to express the magnitude of my gratitude. I will not say good-bye – I’ve always hated that word. Instead I’ll revert to my native tongue, and simply say, “see you again”.

—-

On another note, I’ve decided to take a leaf out of Sandy’s and Phong’s book and start my Photo a Day. Hopefully I can keep it up.

starting up again

I’m trying to keep post-MCAT anxieties at bay. It still creeps up sometime in the forms of optical refractions and hormonal pathways, but slowly the gnawing worry is drifting from my mind, the questions that I might have gotten wrong slyly forgotten. I’ve always had a terrible memory anyways.

Back at work now, I am glad to be around the people I haven’t seen in months. Dr. R. is an amazing amazing man and oftentimes there’s more laughter than work here at the office. Being here, seeing patients again, I’m glad I’m pursuing medicine.

I’m excited for India. Preparation is under way (proven by the two new punctures in my deltoid) but there’s still much to be done. My apprehension for the trip lies not in the possible physical dangers, but rather in what I will encounter and what I will feel. I wonder if I will returned haunted by my experiences or empowered by their implications. Or both. The world is open to me and there is much to learn.

There is an email drafted and ready, written as much for the intended recipient as for the organization of my thoughts. I’m wondering if I should send it. I feel like I should explain myself, but it might just be a superfluous action.

Thanks to Xian, there’s a familiar weight in my hands again, less than what I’m use to, but better at times. It’s been fun, shooting with something that I can control. Black and white is still preferred.

On a final note, the familiar soreness has settled in. I like it.

potential

“This is one of the most singular experiences, waking on what feels like a good day, preparing to work but not yet actually embarked. At this moment there are infinite possibilities, whole hours ahead…She can feel it inside her, an all but indescribable  second self, or rather a parallel, purer self. If she were religious, she would call it the soul. It is more than the sum of her intellect and her emotions, more than the sum of her experiences, though it runs like veins of brilliant metal through all three…It is an inner faculty that recognizes the animating mysteries of the world because it is made of the same substance…”

-Mrs. Woolf
The Hours

Sonoma

I spend a lot of time here, the new coffee shop at Fulton and Durant, bent over my books, compulsively biting my nails. But today is different.

The sofa is black leather, big enough for me to fold my legs up and sink into. It’s the way I would sit in  private, and in the back of my mind, I could hear my mom scolding me for not being ladylike in public.

Mark’s tea latte sits steaming in its Ikea mug, and the panels of abstract canvas, before seeming contrived, are serene today. Strains of jazz piano floats through the space, nearly drowned out by the heavy bass. From my vantage point, I drowsily admire the gentle curve created by the pendant lights running over the bar. It is a dark  day, and the lights are already on.

There’s an older gentleman named Art who wanders over after finishing his “daily drug of choice” – the New York Times crossword. He has the odd habit of keeping his books in bubble wrap within a manila envelop. I wonder what he does when he’s not here.

The Hour lies open on my lap. It is 6:04 pm. Dinner is at 7. Despite everything that is approaching, this hour, this moment, is mine.

1309 wouldn’t you dance again

will you be the shadow in the mirror

will you be the pointe against the pine

will you tap to give us rhythm

will you envision to give us movement

will you let the notes smooth those lines

will you dance again

wouldn’t you dance again

please

—

she took her life

it was/is never a game

Monday Revisited

I found out what happened after I told him my answer that night. Silly me thought it would end there, not realizing that his night would end with him almost killing himself driving home drunk. I remember pleading with him to not do anything stupid, I remember giving him space in the ensuing days, weeks, months to “get over it”. I wonder if he cursed me, if he thought I had played with him – that was never my intention.

—

Wednesday Karma

I’m never quite happy after seeing you now. There’s a sadness and a longing, a drop in spirit, a yet another reminder of what I don’t have. No, I don’t think I’m over you, like I keep telling myself and everyone else. But I’m letting time, friends, and my pursuits play their role, be it healing or distracting. I don’t think you ever knew how much I liked you, or maybe  you just pretended to not see it. Tonight though, I am thankful that you came back alone.

endings and beginnings

He sent us off into life with these words.

Ithaca
Constantine Cavafy

When you set out on your journey to Ithaca
pray that the road is long,
full of adventure, full of knowledge.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the angry Poseidon — do not fear them:
You will never find such as these on your path
if your thoughts remain lofty, if a fine
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Lestrygonians and the Cyclops,
the fierce Poseidon you will never encounter,
if you do not carry them  within your soul,
if your soul does not set them up before you.

Pray that the road is long.
That the summer mornings are many, when,
with such pleasure, with such joy
you will enter ports seen for the first time;
stop at Phoenician markets,
and purchase fine merchandise,
mother-of-pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensual perfumes of all kinds,
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
visit many Egyptian cities,
to learn and learn from scholars.

Always keep Ithaca in your mind.
To arrive there is your ultimate goal.
But do not hurry the voyage at all.
It is better to let it last for many years;
and to anchor at the island when you are old
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting that Ithaca will offer you riches.
Ithaca has given you the beautiful voyage.
Without her you would have never set out on the road.
She has nothing more to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca has not deceived  you.
Wise as you have become, with so much experience,
you must already have understood what Ithacas mean.

—

Thank you Professor.

heureuse? Peut-Etre

i have wonderful models…c’est pourquoi…

dare i?

gentle nudge

guess who

you have all called me strong. but you are all wrong. i feel suffocated from the uncertainty. i am 21 years old and i am lost. i just want to be happy and not be haunted by regrets.